Coronavirus Social Distancing: How to Cohabitate & Manage Relationship Stress
When I think of couples spending quality time together, it summons images of John and Yoko’s bed-in for peace. I almost have this Disney-style optimism of what it would mean to be “stuck” at home with my spouse.
But I’m being idealistic here. That’s far from reality.
Most of us are redefining our roles as mom, dad, remote worker, and even teacher as we practice social distancing. We must remember that at the opposite end of the spectrum from idealism, we have the old adage of “familiarity breeds contempt” where we may take our partners for granted.
Instead, let’s focus on relationship optimization: developing emotional intimacy, building resiliency, and managing relationship stress.
Being Together While Being Apart to Manage Relationship Stress
First things first: Just because a family is “together” all the time, we don’t need to be “together” all the time. It’s normal and healthy to claim our own space with alone time. Some of us may not have the physical space to separate, but we can still spend time “alone” reading books, listening to music and podcasts in headphones, and exercising.
We might be forced to reimagine how we interact with our community, but we can always strengthen our virtual communities. Virtual dinner parties, video chats, and even Netflix parties are all excellent alternatives. You can check out Esther Perel’s post on How to Engage in Social Connection While Socially Distancing for some other great ideas.
For people with substance abuse or mental health issues, the coronavirus quarantine and routine disruption are dangerous. It’s important to set boundaries and keep everything in moderation. A healthy mind and body are both vital to keep our relationship stress at bay as well.
Instead of chain-smoking/vaping, try a cuddle break. We can find new ways to express gratitude and compassion for our partner. Garry Chapman’s book Five Love Languages and website offers some practical strategies for expressing love.
Sometimes we start things on a bad note which sets our future course. Many of us are sinking into the idea that isolating, social distancing, and working from home also involves balancing childcare needs. Here are some tips from experts on how to talk to children about COVID-19 (coronavirus).
To stay ahead of the curve in terms of relationship stress, we should take a moment to think about a few things. First, conflict in times of stress such as this is completely normal. We won’t always remain two steps ahead of arguments, disagreements, and damage control after a fight.
The repair phase is critical after an argument, Instead of stonewalling, hurling insults, or engaging in screaming matches, we should look at our partner’s side of things and try to connect.
Understanding Our Own Triggers and Stress Level to Manage Relationship Stress During Quarantine
I can’t drive home enough how important it is to educate ourselves on our own stress levels. It’s critical in both uncertain times such as these AND in general.
However, we must also be careful not to consume too much information as that can further feed into our stress levels as well. In life, we all have different triggers, fears, and concerns. These don’t change just because our material conditions change. Likewise, we can’t assume our partner or family members think the same way we do.
First, it’s essential to establish a routine. We’re not on vacation. Many of us still must work, homeschool our children, and check-off tasks from our to-do lists. I recommend keeping a work mindset and setting boundaries, even while we’re home. Plus, this helps us separate work time from time to relax.
For anyone working from home for the first time, I recommend NPR’s podcast, 8 Tips to Make Working from Home Work for You, or reading Jordan Axani’s blog on working remotely.
The better we manage our stress, the less it will manifest and pour out in other areas such as relationship stress and disputes. When I feel myself getting worked up and irritable, I like to ask myself, “how much of this is my stress talking?” I wrote a blog on this called 7 Ways to Change Negative Behavior.
Understanding Our Partner’s Stress Levels and Triggers to Manage Relationship Stress During Quarantine
Some find working from home an ideal situation, others have worked from home for years, and still, others are completely out of their element.
As always with learning or experiencing something for the first time — such as starting a job or going on a first date — it creates some stress.
It’s essential to validate our partner’s concerns and problems. Just because we don’t see the big deal, that doesn’t mean our partner isn’t going through a massive transition — whether themselves or through someone close to them. For example, family members could lose their income, and financial situations can change, loved ones could get sick. If your partner is dealing with concerns with COVID-19 or fallout from it, you may not need or be able to solve the problem but it will be helpful for you to be present and attentive.
I like this article from The Atlantic, reminding us that in times of relationship stress or in quarantine we may need separate ourselves physically but not emotionally.
Learn to lean into the discomfort and new temporary reality while thinking about this quote from Jose Ortega y Gasset’s Meditations on Quixote (1914): “I am I plus my surroundings; and if I do not preserve the latter, I do not preserve myself.”
Having trouble managing stress or social distancing? Don’t hesitate to reach out.